Drowning in Turbulence

There were times when I ran from a lover, and then ran right back into their storm. Friends did their best to save me, throwing life rafts of obvious data to my lust drenched mind. Was it the safety of the money that kept me coming back? Am I just a victim of my upbringing? 

Can I safely say that I try to help others that now swim the turbid waters that once drowned me? 

Addiction. Abuse. Love. Hate. Fear. Alcohol. Drugs. Violence. Peace. Trust. Safety. Abandonment. 

Which words do I associate with? Which friends have I pushed away because they terrified me - seeing myself in them, seeing my losses in their wins. 

Running away never changes who we are running from. It only builds a stronger bridge with which to start fires. Burning bridges past the farm, burning cities past the towns. I am not the villain unless you want me to be, and then I will dive headfirst into the river that takes you farther down the road. Texas or Florida, Portugal or Japan, Spain or Italy, I don’t know, I don’t speak french. 

They can take away your freedom, but in this country we don’t know what that means. 

They can take away your voice, but in this country we don’t know what that means.

They can lie all day long and bury the truth beneath your ashes, but in this country that is just standard practice. 

Shall I push you farther away when I tell you I love you?

Shall I shut the door on twenty years of friendship because it hurts me to see you fall?

Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. Maybe this is me learning that I can’t save anyone not even myself.  

I’m not sorry that I tried to rescue you. I am sorry that you can’t see why I tried. 

A smoke filled sky in the Pacific Northwest…